eek out

..as more coffee brews in the background and public radio blares off in the distance I'm slowly waking up- getting the day started -already feels like the day is half over. So goes the continual downward slide of depression and angst filled loathing for all things corporeal. Sometimes in between these down-swings I'll have moments of lucidity in which I can see myself in 3rd person, I look bitter battered and lambasted, a sign of the times I guess as I progress in age.

I shouldn't dwell on such negativity; in an effort to stem the tide of dark thoughts maybe I should focus on some of the positive stuff going on as of late.

I've recently started to undergo laser hair removal treatments. Something I've always wanted but could never afford, now I have a friend who has loaned out a Tria hair removal system for me to use. Yeah, sure I know what people will say about it not being as good as going in for professional treatments but this is the best I can do while destitute. I've never experienced anything like it before, it does hurt, especially when its turned up on higher settings, though I have to figure the pain is worth it. I'm mainly using it on my face (upper/lower lips, chin, and neck) as really those are the areas which bother me the most. I hate shaving and really can't endure it daily like I should be able to do. Even with sensitive creams + moisturizer and the great care I take in going over every inch slowly and methodically I still end up turning my skin into hamburger. So far I've had 2 treatments on my lip areas and 3 treatments on my neck/chin. They say it'll take up to 3 months before seeing any real results but I've already noticed the hair growing back softer and not nearly as deep rooted. This is a welcomed change and gives me sense of encouragement.

There for a while I was on a pretty good roll with my art and creative endeavors. One problem I seem to face quite often is how my depressive moments cripple up my whole body, I get to such a point where I can't muster the energy to accomplish anything worth while. In those moments I just sort of go blank and don't really experience anything- I just feel totally worthless and broken. Its in those times I know a lot of creative types push past their depression thru their art. I used to be able to focus like that but seem to have lost that edge many moons ago.

Its all a cycle, I know that and try to push through it all. Just gritting my teeth and taking my medicine. Praying I find a way out before I die at 40 yrs old.

Maintain

Surely, its been a while since updating here. Greetings from the other side of the display. Coming at you from a dark place but thats alright cause I have a light. Simple flash of the high beams can make all the difference when driving on a long stretch though the psyche.

Suppose things have been going alright, thinking about it, I feel I'm in a better place (for the most part) mentally, and its a welcomed change from being totally in the dumps. It pains me to report I haven't gotten much further down the road of transition and/or coming out to the majority of the people in my life with the fact of being trans. Sure, theres a few people who I've let in on the situation but the majority of my friends don't know.. they might not even care. Facing the fact that I will most likely find many of my friends and associates kicking me out of their lives. Folks' will say stuff like, "if they don't understand or accept you then they were never really your friends to begin with."

I find that logic flawed. My thought is that they do know me but not the real me. I can and have compartmentalized much of myself over the years by shutting out things that I believe would give myself away. Outing myself by slipping up and saying of doing something that friends might think is totally out of character. If they only knew that the real "character" is the one I've been projecting to them all this time.

Lately I've been feeling the highs and lows of my mood swings. The lows can be a really real descent into madness when I sit and dwell on my problems and situation. The feelings of being trapped induce crazy anxiety in me which I try to counter with whatever drug is on-hand. When I'm unreasonably upbeat it feels like I can take on the whole Empire by myself, know what I mean? Though in those high moments I often feel reckless and disavowed of any responsibility. Yeah, its mania with a ting of depression for sure -its all I've known for the last decade+ of my life.

On a more up-beat tip; I've again entered the dating pool with mixed results. I wouldn't say I've been playing the field but more like play defense in my own zone. Seems like the same thing over and over.. meeting guys who view me more as a fetish than an actual partner. I can see where some might get that idea as I have fetishes of my own but none of them revolve around my gender. Having to explain to people that I'm not a "fetish cross dresser" i.e. I happen to be transgender and enjoy certain kinks and fashions. Dressing for me is not some fetish and the only time I get a kick out of dressing is when I'm wearing some fetish gear or cosplay. I seem to encounter an inordinate amount of guys who don't seem to get that. Its hard to feel comfortable when you know your just being sized up as some sort of conquest so I do my best to stay at arms length, never ever again going H.A.M. with someone who clearly isn't attracted to my personality.

Figured it would be good for me to get my itchy fingers typing more and happy I stopped in to make a post. I've been writing and drawing quite a bit lately which has been very cathartic, giving myself no rest until I have something to show for my efforts. Big or small.

Soak-it-up (dye job)

Getting back into the swing of progressing my transition past the point of no return has seen me retreat inside of myself in order to find that 'light' you'd call personality. Really pin-pointing what makes me tick has been like trekking thru the Congo, hacking and slashing with the metaphoric "mental machete" up river like something straight out of Heart of Darkness.

One thing I've noticed; I'm much more personable and outgoing as my true self, this comes sort of as a shock since it runs contrary to what I'd believed I was actually capable of -what I never thought would change. I've found a bit of self confidence that I'd never known was inside me braving the world with a different demeanor, with cheer and a smile. It shouldn't really come as a surprise since I've shunted this side of myself and only now actually feeling like I'm breaking out of my shell. I wouldn't go so far as to say its a "rebirth" only a mollifying of the fear and apprehension I've felt for so, so long. I might still have misgivings still lingering around still -on the whole I feel like I've come further than I had in the past, so the glass is half-full and no artificial sweeteners.

To be fair, I'd be be remiss if I didn't shine light on some of the cracks along the road. I'm aware of the cracks and "wet cement" signs so that is enough, wouldn't want to fret the small stuff to forgo the bigger picture. Its a matter of perspective and just finding a different angle to view it from can be all the difference when you feel stymied or like the world is burning down around you. Granted- it doesn't work in all cases but you'd be surprised the number of fire escapes and helping hands abound and you'll sometimes not be aware cause your judgement is all clouded.

Experiences, both good and bad, are something I can't stop from happening. Like so many waves crashing against the shore. One has to stand resolute in the tempest for sure. Having some one tell you that someone at a party said (the telephone game) "you're a cartoon (caricature) of a woman" and wondering why they would care or even why the other someone would see fit to bring up such gossip. Its balanced out in some respects when you have others refer to you with female pronouns or at least don't refer to you as "dude" or "man" in every instance. Its one thing to shake peoples' notions of gender but its something else entirely when you expect them to change their thinking. One things I've finally come around to realizing is how little I care about how someone views me; they obviously have nothing better in their own lives to worry about so they feel need to openly criticize or being all divisive. Sounds pretty stupid that only now am I coming around to this wild new concept - in effect casting off my social training wheels and expressing me as me. The real caricature is the mask I felt compelled to create in order to survive as I saw it. That's not to say that the person everyone has known for all these years is fake, its as developed as its ever going to be, but the time comes when serious change is needed. Like serious system overhaul.

..and duh, that's where it gets tricky. As the cliché saying goes; "You can't have an omelet without breaking some eggs." or like I totally see that girl in those public service spots bashing the kitchen with a frying pan. I've always thought it'd be mass destruction of everything I knew in life- having it all implode. Change seeing it in friends and everyone else's lives, why can't i have it? Is my form of change any less valid? Is it that much more shocking than saying "I'm getting married," which usually, inevitably, leads to; "We're having a baby!!" ..or "I'm moving to a foreign country to follow my dream of being a bull-fighter" -really?

..Whatevers..

bleed-thru (color-flast)

I've experienced what I can only describe as a "bleed effect" between the two 'selves within me locked in contention. It had been brought up in a session this idea of the variety of "masks" I wear. We're not talking costume masks, doll masks or anything of the sort - though that's a whole other flask of worms. Relating things in the past to others I summed it up best like this;

"In ways only explained through memories the best I can recollect is in growing up feeling I had to hide. Things I would do my grandmother would say I shouldn't for some reason. Wearing my socks pulled up high on my legs like the girls at school had with their uniforms. When I noticed other boys didn't feel the same as me I didn't know what to do other than conform to what I felt was expected of me as a boy."

That's the long and short of it. What lies in the middle are the means by which I conformed - emulation. Note I said 'emulation' and not assimilation.. wouldn't want to fly with the rest of the flock nowadays anyway. Fitting in however was a process of emulating the tricks and behaviours I'd see the boys around me express. Its pretty common I'd say- people just sort of naturally want to fit in, you can march to the verse of your own song but at some point you might realize you have no solo career and want a backing band to elevate the game and take it to the next level.

Taking it back to the title; the whole "bleed effect" I've had take effect only maybe a month ago and it seems to have escalated rather quickly only after a couple of weeks. I've found slowly that my feminine personality is sticking around long after I shed that 'skin' and its been expressing itself in my actions while in boy-mode. Walking, talking, smirking right down to my mannerisms all bleeding thru into my everyday life which feels pretty damn good- not going to lie. Its also instilled a new confidence in me and I can feel it inflating from within; with any luck I'll have that tenacity oozing out of every fiber and pore of my being.

Really an odd thing considering I've erected some serious defenses to suppress such things and not let them bubble to the surface. Now I find myself moving speaking and otherwise acting more and more feminine while in my male life. When I walk lately I've been doing it with more of a swaying grace while before I would trudge along and had sort of a "waddle" when presenting myself as a male. While I can't really emulate a true female voice it tends to be higher pitch anymore. I tend to scowl less and smile more. I feel this has been the result of spending more of my time outside the home and other comfort zones and presenting the true self I'd like to express. Just running with it has been pretty liberating - I don't feel miserable like I used to when I'd stifle all these feelings and mannerisms.

Here as I am now; slowly coming to terms with reality and discovering new facets of myself that have always been there but hadn't been excavated from my psyche until now. Having been a part of me unknown I'd see glimmers of them in feelings and reactions I'd express or repress. I'd like to share something that was written as blog post years ago by someone who knew of my double-life. Its a thinly veiled critique of me and how I was dealing with my desire to transition. This was written by an acquaintance of mine who discovered my dressing and attempts at makeup application. Dated sometime around 2005 when I had felt my desire to come-out was at it's peak but as usual I resisted it -denying my true self.

"thousand beats per minute...

 I have a problem finding people who are comfortable with themselves. I truly believe the reason why they can't hang with me anymore is because I call them on all their bullshit and because they truly and deeply have no fucking clue who they are.

Maybe I should hand out signs. "Dear ____ , I'm very sorry to say but you are one dumb, oblivious motherfucker that needs a serious reality check. You really think you're ____ ? Man, you're a damn hypocrite. Love _____."

Seriously."

Again, this was directed at me but in a very subtle way in a blog post back in the days of Diaryland -which apparently still exists. Remembering back then and the pact I'd made with a group of four online friends who also sought HRT and transitioning. The five of us were "all in" and yet I folded somehow, disqualified by my own doing. My inaction and denial back then resulted in me watching all 4 of my 'friends' come out to their family, friends, coworkers and commanding officers. I witnessed the beginnings of their physical transformation; the development of cleavage (albeit subtle) the softening of the skin, hair being grown out and styled. Attitudes changed as I slowly found myself the odd girl out having never developed the testicular fortitude necessary to dictate my own destiny. One by one I lost contact with these girls I had associated with for so long. They all embraced their new lives, two of them from what I came to understand actually had SRS (overseas?) and once that happened it seemed they preferred to leave their past behind them. One girl in particular had always been interested in transgendered rights and activism but after having her surgery and legally becoming a woman documentation-wise, she dropped all support and interest in trans issues. She distanced herself from me as well as others who'd come to look at her as a shinning example of what someone could become- if their family had taken out a 3rd mortgage on the home and who's mother liquidated her 401K.

"Slay the dragon save the girl" pt.2

o==[]::::::::::::::::>

 ••¤(`×[¤ тαкε υρ тнү sωσя∂ ¤]×´)¤••

Pressing 'select' for a quick check of my inventory; in my first 2 Materia slots shows I have my blue self-confidence coupled w/ purple inner radiance. I've collected 6 heart tanks (worked pretty hard for those) a couple potions, and 'the Green Key' ..whatever that does. Not wanting to cheat myself out of the rewarding experience of learning from my mistakes and bumbling in the darkness, I opted to leave the 'fog of war' setting ON so truth be told there's a number of dark patches on my dungeon map that I still need to venture into and see the bigger picture.

♖ ɹooʞ ʇɐʞǝs dɐʍu ♙

It certainly feels as if I'm taking off on a great adventure or quest. Into the great unknown beyond the infinite, its just around the corner and down the block in my mind. This route has always been here I've just been to afraid to open the door and put one foot in-front of the other. I used to always believe that the darkness beyond the threshold was something to fear; I can't really fault myself as it is pretty scary staring off into a void. Once I came to realize that the void was simply a representation of this inner torment I've been bring upon myself by denying how I really feel. Shining  my inner light past the darkness I see now there's a path I'm compelled to follow, if I encounter an obstacle I'm going to have to learn to deal with it and overcome what ever adversity throws at me.

Lofty talk for someone who doesn't really have the best track record for following through on things. We've been here before long ago, although the wording was different and I wasn't in the best state mentally. Since working through some pressing things in my psyche I finally feel I'm able to tackle this next phase in this life. Since really committing to this decision I've taken every opportunity that presents itself to go out in girl-mode and just be myself, cool (for the most part) calm and relaxed. Its important for me to stretch my legs in this sense due to keeping my female-self bedridden for so long. We came close to losing her there a number of times when the vitals would fluctuate and stresses become to much; just a series of dark times, purging my wardrobe time and time again. After awhile it just became the norm slinking into the comfort of my beautiful depression where I at least knew I was feeling something, as negative as it was - anything to have "normalcy" or the sense there of.

I'm not entirely sure what the future holds but the journey there will be interesting to say such, and altogether temporally (yes, that's a word) rewarding to say the least. I bring up time cause its "high time I get on with my life..."  for so long now I feel I play the part everyone expects of me. I'd like for once to know the joys of a life worth living grabbing the reins and making a break for the boarder. I'm a realist though, knowing this puts a kind of cap on certain things, chasing unattainable beauty -been there and done that, no thanks. There's never going to be the "right time" or "perfect situation" for something like this; one just has to put the gun to their head and pull the trigger.

"Slay the dragon save the girl" pt.1

*Note* when writing this post I kind of just ran with it so its fairly long winded. Having not updated here in a while I figure you can bare with me maybe. Decided to split this post into two parts. Buckle ups.

 

Remembering back to when I was a child; never having enough quarters to play through the entire Dragon's Lair game in the arcade. It always stood apart from all the other games in the arcade; visually enticing animation combined with intimidating game-play all powered by LaserDisc technology. I would always be so mesmerized by the animation that my reaction time would suffer, bad timing aside at 50 cents a pop it was usually placed it out of my reach. That never stopped me from thrilling to the adventures of Dirk the Daring as he tried to rescue the princess from a dragon. I once witnessed someone play thru the entire game with skill and precision, though they'd die from time to time they had quarters for days and seemed hell bent on making it to the ending. I can't imagine how much coinage was consumed in that marathon effort but you have to admire their determination and perseverance.

"Dragon Slaying" is something that's thrown around a lot; people the world over look deep inside of themselves, steel their nerves, confront the darkness within and manage to emerge reborn all Lazarus-like. Everyone has these "dragons" - some bigger than others. Yours might not even be that big, maybe its more like an annoying imp which is easily crushed under your heel. I think more often than not the things we deal with are much bigger and aren't as easily conquered, either the result of us feeding this dragon and letting it get fat and bloated on its own hubris OR the situation really is that difficult and a dire quest is needed to banish the beast from your mental landscape. Then again, the human mind is weird in that its easy to get stuck on a thought, obsess over it and essentially give it life and it becomes a very real thing to you -your imagination works against you in this case. I think everyone has experienced something like this on some level or another, something benign like the monster under the bed you feared as a child, perhaps.

¨°o.O------» ιηsεят cσιηz «------O.o°¨

I've been trying to implement some mental conditioning techniques that have been passed on to me. Not like brainwashing or anything (or maybe it is?) but rather just trying to keep my head in the NOW and support that position with positive affirmations and reinforcement. In the last year there's been a fair bit of progress in my thinking and commitment to beginning transition. I've been working on my self confidence and gaining a better perception of who I am. Many people have helped me along this path which is something I've sorely needed in darker phases of my life. The whole concept of "leaning on another" emotionally in good confidence has always felt odd to me -of course I'm a guarded person (most of the time) and it can be hard for me to crawl out from my fox hole. Even now I sometimes find it difficult to run for the end zone but that's what therapists you work with are for, they are like blockers and defenders, or at least a kind of rudder helping to steer you back on course if you should ever waver on the path to understanding yourself better.

Lichterloh

Beyond simply the feeling. Music relates so much and can evoke all kinds of things; imagery wonder and excitement, instilling within us courage and renewing a sense of purpose. More over it gets you moving - physically, mentally and spiritually. It's an odd thing how one feels a connection to a particular artist's album or individual song. All artists have a knack for conveying a message of emotion -otherwise they wouldn't be artists. Like in all things some just seem to do it better than the rest and I like to think it's cause they've experienced those things they express and aren't simply "phoning it in" as part of some contractual obligation for a hit single. Music brings life to a bland reality.

Recently I got a jolt from a song and in a blaze of inspiration my course was set for three days. I made it a point to work on more pictures and related media little by little each day. Having reignited my keen interest in photography while observing over my Domme's shoulder the last few weeks after working with Her on a photo shoot. It was also refreshing not only to be in front of the lens but also on the back end learning new ways to edit pics or throw some fun effects in. Sometimes my brain just hungers for something different so I enjoy launching myself into new hobbies which are stimulating.

Silly and terrifying how obsessive I can become when totally engaged; on a day off I was able to work over 12 hr on a series of shots, two wardrobe and lighting changes, plus toying around in GIMP and PS. While other stuff was going on throughout the next couple days after that I was still able to milk a bit more energy into some more photos and video. Figured since I was on what felt like a roll I'd invest as much free time into it. Its been a rewarding and stimulating experience.

There are a variety of ideas I have lined up in the que and now its only a matter of assembling the pieces and initiating the plan.