Soak-it-up (dye job)

Getting back into the swing of progressing my transition past the point of no return has seen me retreat inside of myself in order to find that 'light' you'd call personality. Really pin-pointing what makes me tick has been like trekking thru the Congo, hacking and slashing with the metaphoric "mental machete" up river like something straight out of Heart of Darkness.

One thing I've noticed; I'm much more personable and outgoing as my true self, this comes sort of as a shock since it runs contrary to what I'd believed I was actually capable of -what I never thought would change. I've found a bit of self confidence that I'd never known was inside me braving the world with a different demeanor, with cheer and a smile. It shouldn't really come as a surprise since I've shunted this side of myself and only now actually feeling like I'm breaking out of my shell. I wouldn't go so far as to say its a "rebirth" only a mollifying of the fear and apprehension I've felt for so, so long. I might still have misgivings still lingering around still -on the whole I feel like I've come further than I had in the past, so the glass is half-full and no artificial sweeteners.

To be fair, I'd be be remiss if I didn't shine light on some of the cracks along the road. I'm aware of the cracks and "wet cement" signs so that is enough, wouldn't want to fret the small stuff to forgo the bigger picture. Its a matter of perspective and just finding a different angle to view it from can be all the difference when you feel stymied or like the world is burning down around you. Granted- it doesn't work in all cases but you'd be surprised the number of fire escapes and helping hands abound and you'll sometimes not be aware cause your judgement is all clouded.

Experiences, both good and bad, are something I can't stop from happening. Like so many waves crashing against the shore. One has to stand resolute in the tempest for sure. Having some one tell you that someone at a party said (the telephone game) "you're a cartoon (caricature) of a woman" and wondering why they would care or even why the other someone would see fit to bring up such gossip. Its balanced out in some respects when you have others refer to you with female pronouns or at least don't refer to you as "dude" or "man" in every instance. Its one thing to shake peoples' notions of gender but its something else entirely when you expect them to change their thinking. One things I've finally come around to realizing is how little I care about how someone views me; they obviously have nothing better in their own lives to worry about so they feel need to openly criticize or being all divisive. Sounds pretty stupid that only now am I coming around to this wild new concept - in effect casting off my social training wheels and expressing me as me. The real caricature is the mask I felt compelled to create in order to survive as I saw it. That's not to say that the person everyone has known for all these years is fake, its as developed as its ever going to be, but the time comes when serious change is needed. Like serious system overhaul.

..and duh, that's where it gets tricky. As the cliché saying goes; "You can't have an omelet without breaking some eggs." or like I totally see that girl in those public service spots bashing the kitchen with a frying pan. I've always thought it'd be mass destruction of everything I knew in life- having it all implode. Change seeing it in friends and everyone else's lives, why can't i have it? Is my form of change any less valid? Is it that much more shocking than saying "I'm getting married," which usually, inevitably, leads to; "We're having a baby!!" ..or "I'm moving to a foreign country to follow my dream of being a bull-fighter" -really?

..Whatevers..