"Dollin' Up"

So I recently ended up with a long stretch of days off from work and I figured I could deal with blowing off a bit of steam and relaxing. For me nothing (besides sub-space) is more relaxing than modeling and posing in front of a camera. I don't know, I just get a true enjoyment out of it for some reason which is why I suppose that I maintain my YouTube Channel and continue to post new clips and vids. Pictured above is a still frame from one of my newest uploads "Lycra Hobble Dress Deux" which I did yesterday. The bulk of my recent uploads have been the result of requests I've gotten from subscribers to my channel. I got a message for one such subscriber telling me how much they enjoyed my previous vid of me in my black metallic hobble dress and mask - they asked if I would do another one. It had been awhile since I've worn my hobble dress but I was pleased to find it fit well still - it's one of the many lycra items I've ordered from China, when ordering from there it's like a total crap-shoot... you can never count on the quality or fit.

I enjoyed my days off working on vids and just sort of "blanking out" and spending as much of my free-time in "doll-mode" - I ended up really needing that feeling of relaxation. I like to refer to this relaxed feeling I experience while dolled up as "doll-space" and it's really not unlike the "sub-space" one might enter after a particularly intense/fun session of play with a Dominant. For me doll-space is like being in another world, after I've been in my doll-mode for an extended length of time it can just sort of kick in and this really tranquil feeling draws over me. The best I can explain; after a while I really start to feel like I'm just some kind of object and as an object it feels very natural to just let go of conscious thought and do what an object, a doll, would do and that is just sit there content and exist. I kid you not, I think it's the closest I've ever come to meditation or self hypnosis - having tried both using conventional means and practices I found myself unable to really phase out and calm myself. It's a really odd thing to think that one would have to totally remove oneself from a normal sort of existence and put themselves into the role of a doll... a plaything. All I know is it seems to work for me and it really does take the edge off when I feel I'm getting to stressed out or frantic. "How do you enter doll-space?" ...well, I don't think everyone's life and experiences are the same, so I can't really say if my method of inducing it will work for everyone.

I guess starting off I should go a bit into what components I currently use in my dollification process. One of the biggest decisions I had to make when I first got immersed in the whole doller community was deciding on what direction I wanted to take my doll-persona in. Not to get all lofty with it but I took this very seriously when I first started out. One of my greatest passions and biggest fetishes has always been bondage - I quickly took to the notion of becoming a fetish bondage doll. Next I tackled the choice of "material" and for me the decision was obvious; LATEX. I've always had an immense attraction to rubber... it's tactile qualities, the aroma, look and sensation - for me nothing comes close to stimulating me sexually as much as rubber wear / gear. Though for a brief time in my life I came so close to realizing my dream of becoming a total rubberdoll (refer to earlier blog posts) but financially I've never been able to totally realizing that dream. Lets face it - even when you find it on sale, latex is damn expensive and it takes alot of maintenance and dedication to maintain it. So with a heavy heart I decided to set that dream off on the back burner for the time being and look for other ideas. I'm still eager to become a true rubberdoll and find myself setting little sums of cash aside for the day when I can commit to working on that project. For me the runner-up material was lycra which I'd always had a great appreciation for going way back to when I was first introduced to dance wear and zentai. Lycra offered alot of advantages over latex (in my opinion) such as being way more affordable, super easy to clean, more easily available and all around just more versatile. For the price of the average well made latex catsuit you can easily buy up a vast number of lycra based garments in a great variation of color and style. So thus far I've gone the route of lycra for those reasons and I've managed to build up a meager yet dynamic collection of things like zentai, leotards, leggings and costumes. Next I invested in a female mask - yet again for me this was another big decision. From what I've learned over the year all things point to the fact that none of my fetishes are cheap, sure alot of things can be done on the cheap like bondage - rope is pretty inexpensive after all and it gets even cheaper when you buy it in bulk! For a feminine visage there's alot of places one can look. The masks that Kerry at Maskon.com creates are wonderful. Nikki's Monstershop has alot of great female masks. The photogenic masks that Natori creates are UNREAL. One day I would love to own a mask from each and everyone of these great artists but sadly budget concerns crept up and I was forced to go with "affordable" and look elsewhere. I didn't have to look to far though, one of my favorite dolls and a real big influence on me has always been insanely amazing Anima! Taking notes on her great style and attitude I discovered the Greyland Mask I finally settled on as my first step into the masking world. The look was / is perfect for the kind of style I'm going for plus it's pretty functional even though I haven't been able to buy a back-up mask yet and start experimenting with doing various modifications on it. It breaths reasonably well through the eyes nose and mouth, it's super light weight and it's not a half-mask so it covers every inch of my face and head. All these components are joined together through different accessories like one of my many different collars and my wrist and ankle cuffs. Part of my whole bondage doll angle is that no matter what form I may take as a doll be it lycra latex or *gasp* without a doll-skin I will always have various restraints on my limbs and over different points of my body. Not only does it increase my feelings of submission (restraints tend to do that to me) but they also serve as an "installed" play option - should my Domme or anyone else want to play with me and hit on the idea of either tying me up or in some other way immobilize me they will always have points on me that they can clip-in, string through, connect or otherwise subdue me and limit my mobility. A good doll should never be able to wander to far from it's Owner after all.

**Doll-Space**

So now here at the last I'd like to go into my methods for inducing doll-space and who knows maybe what works for me just might work for somebody else. The mind is a very complicated thing with all it's electrical neurochemical mystery, it's funny though how simple things - certain actions, a phrase or a glace at something can railroad your thoughts in a completely different direction than where they were heading a moment ago. As I stated earlier I once tried to learn conventional self hypnosis and none of the things I had been taught or picked up from others really seemed to effect me. About 3 years ago I went to a professional hypnotist in hopes that he could help me overcome alot of anxiety I was experiencing at the time. It was sort of a last ditch effort on my part to try and get myself together cause alot of things in my life seemed to be spinning violently out of control and I was having a really bad reaction to LIFE happening around me. Well I came to find out, A.) I am susceptible to hypnosis, B.) It was a pretty heady feeling - VERY addicting, and finally C.) I enjoyed the hell out of it! I got alot out of that first experience and it set me on course to find ways to get that amazing feeling I had back and replicate it on me own. Now... some of the methods I use to fall into doll-space might seem odd but I'll try and explain them the best I can.

• RITUALIZATION: First of all, dolling (dollification, transformation or feminization) to me is in and of itself a very ritualized process / activity. The actual act of becoming something your not and assuming that role for serious any length of time - for me at least it's a very personal and sacred thing. When I go into my doll-mode I don't like being rushed, I like to savor the process step by step as I slowly become what my hidden desires tell me is close to my true nature. When I decide on going into doll-mode I take great care in picking my outfit(s) and accessories, I lay them all out on the bed making sure they look proper together as well as apart. Then comes the actual act of "dolling up" which is what I really like to savor and take in... seeing my recognizable image slowly disappear and be replaced with an image I find more pleasing. As I say; "I don't like being rushed" when suiting up - there's been a couple times when I have been in a hurry and I've ended up putting a tear in something or forgetting some foundation garment that in my mind is essential. Suiting up is the begin of the process.
• MANTRA: Wikipedia defines "mantra" as being "..a sound, syllable, word, or group of words that are considered capable of creating transformation"- that fits pretty well. I find that once I'm all suited up and feeling doll-like the first thing I like to do is stare off into a reflective surface at myself. This might sound like a vanity issue, and maybe it is, but when I see myself reflected back in a different form than I'm normally in I concentrate on that image and I recite a brief mantra to myself verbally as well as mentally over and over again. For me, this mantra acts almost as a catalyst for the mental and physical transformation. In other words... it gets me into my role almost like a form of method acting. Along the same lines as a mantra I've also incorporated a form of sigil magic into my transformation process; this is something I've picked up on through my exploration of chaos magic - I've found chaos magic to be a mule, though perhaps I just haven't explored it fully and I shouldn't dismiss it totally. I've crafted a variety of sigils which on the surface just look like convoluted symbols - I concentrate on them in my minds eye and visualize them when I'm trying to put myself into doll-mode. I guess this could be viewed as another form of ritual. For me it helps focus and pulls me deeper into the role of being a submissive toy. My mantra and various sigils help me to induce a kind of self hypnosis. It took awhile to attain this kind of concentration but I've found the effort to be worth it. It's helped me in ways I can't really explain, from being a simple form of relaxation to helping me with my self confidence (always a work in progress) it's been a very rewarding experience. Take it as you will - it helps me a great deal. Read up on it online to understand it a bit more.
• RESTRAINT: In any outfit I might choose to wear in doll-mode I always like to incorporate some form of restraint or bondage. This plays into the whole fetish bondage doll idea I've been going for. As I've mentioned above, "I LOVE BONDAGE" and love the helpless vulnerable feelings I get when I'm restrained in some manner. Two of the components I never seem to be without when in doll-mode are my rubber wrist cuffs and my collar. I have a variety of different collars and love collecting new ones, if there's such a thing as a "collar whore" that term would fit me really well. My collar to me is a constant reminder of my submission and dedication to my Domme; concentrating on that love and dedication makes me feel wonderful. Both my wrist cuffs and my collar are locking - I have little padlocks which I can slip onto them and thus lock myself into my outfit. Sometimes the very though of being made to stay in doll-mode like that will give me shivers of excitement. I guess for me it's just another layer of submission compounded on top of it all - it really just gets me into the mood and makes the time spent in doll-mode all the more enjoyable.