Saturday, August 22, 2015

Maintain

Surely, its been a while since updating here. Greetings from the other side of the display. Coming at you from a dark place but thats alright cause I have a light. Simple flash of the high beams can make all the difference when driving on a long stretch though the psyche.

Suppose things have been going alright, thinking about it, I feel I'm in a better place (for the most part) mentally, and its a welcomed change from being totally in the dumps. It pains me to report I haven't gotten much further down the road of transition and/or coming out to the majority of the people in my life with the fact of being trans. Sure, theres a few people who I've let in on the situation but the majority of my friends don't know.. they might not even care. Facing the fact that I will most likely find many of my friends and associates kicking me out of their lives. Folks' will say stuff like, "if they don't understand or accept you then they were never really your friends to begin with."

I find that logic flawed. My thought is that they do know me but not the real me. I can and have compartmentalized much of myself over the years by shutting out things that I believe would give myself away. Outing myself by slipping up and saying of doing something that friends might think is totally out of character. If they only knew that the real "character" is the one I've been projecting to them all this time.

Lately I've been feeling the highs and lows of my mood swings. The lows can be a really real descent into madness when I sit and dwell on my problems and situation. The feelings of being trapped induce crazy anxiety in me which I try to counter with whatever drug is on-hand. When I'm unreasonably upbeat it feels like I can take on the whole Empire by myself, know what I mean? Though in those high moments I often feel reckless and disavowed of any responsibility. Yeah, its mania with a ting of depression for sure -its all I've known for the last decade+ of my life.

On a more up-beat tip; I've again entered the dating pool with mixed results. I wouldn't say I've been playing the field but more like play defense in my own zone. Seems like the same thing over and over.. meeting guys who view me more as a fetish than an actual partner. I can see where some might get that idea as I have fetishes of my own but none of them revolve around my gender. Having to explain to people that I'm not a "fetish cross dresser" i.e. I happen to be transgender and enjoy certain kinks and fashions. Dressing for me is not some fetish and the only time I get a kick out of dressing is when I'm wearing some fetish gear or cosplay. I seem to encounter an inordinate amount of guys who don't seem to get that. Its hard to feel comfortable when you know your just being sized up as some sort of conquest so I do my best to stay at arms length, never ever again going H.A.M. with someone who clearly isn't attracted to my personality.

Figured it would be good for me to get my itchy fingers typing more and happy I stopped in to make a post. I've been writing and drawing quite a bit lately which has been very cathartic, giving myself no rest until I have something to show for my efforts. Big or small.