Abject Object

Really exploring what makes one tick can be a long process and often times it can be rewarding. Opening one's mind and heart to different vistas of learning and eventual knowledge. Sometimes when I'm in the "mode" so to speak and I'm totally enjoying the submission of my will to it's fullest I'll run questions for myself through my head, once in awhile I understand parts of myself better and have new insight into an aspect of my submission. Once in awhile when I feel I'm in sub-space it's like I can feel a part of me give way and I can kind of compartmentalize my thoughts - sometimes separating my thoughts from actions. If you'd visualize, it could be seeing yourself in 3rd person. I feel like sometimes my willingness to give up all control when I'm in my particular mode comes across like I'm to eager to please or desperate. I've often had the feeling in the past that my submission is taken for granted in alot of cases; I can remember the feeling of devotion I had for the first person who accepted me as me and who also indulged my (then, newly discovered) submissive nature and who introduced me to so many of the fetishes that seem to have stuck. I remember how it felt inside my heart when I'd give my all to please just to be treated like it wasn't anything special. Then in the end simply being cast off adrift on my own and rejected. In alot of ways that relationship really screwed me up mentally and emotionally but I discovered long ago that the need to submit fully and really leave myself open and sensitive to manipulations both physical and emotional was a HUGE necessity I seemed to have.

I really do enjoy giving up control of myself to a more dominate personality. I feel really grateful that I have a Domme who allows me an outlet for my submission. When I give up the control to my wonderful Domme I do so because I trust her, I believe she knows what's best for me in regards to our D/s relationship; being her pet gives me a great sense of self worth when I know I've made her proud. Having her dictate my actions and behaviour, controlling me.. sometimes it feels like I'm not moving fast enough or I'll have moments of hesitation - that's all wrong. Her commands should go into my ears and right into my body as actions, I shouldn't let my brain make me second guess her orders or desires. It's like with basic training in the military, they say one of the main focuses of it is to tear a person down and re-build them from the ground up - an ordinary civilian makes a downright crappy soldier because they are used to having things "their way" and a good soldier is one who's thinking process doesn't get in the way of following commands. Now, I don't consider myself a soldier (far from it) but I kinda view it all in that way, I have many short-comings and learning to simply obey without question is one I have to truly work on.

Over the course of the last few weeks I've had the opportunity to serve and submit more than I have in a long while. This past weekend I served in the role of a maid for a pedi party that my Domme's friend was having. It wasn't the first time I've served in this way but it might as well have been. I felt myself slip up numerous times which kinda left me feeling defeated because going into it I thought I was going to do better than I had the time or two before. A lesson learned I guess for next time, all I can do is believe that I'll be able to learn from my mistakes and be that much better. I also had the great opportunity to take my fetish doll persona out in public over the last few weeks, Ms. E's good friend Lady Ice Queen has been doing appearances on a local internet radio show and I was lucky enough to accompany her to these events. Both times out I was completely masked and encased in one of my zentai suits and collars.. this is what I consider my "doll-mode" where I'm dressed head to toe in lycra or rubber and I'm masked. When made up like this I cease being myself (in my mind) and take on the role of being a fetish object, a plaything if you will. Where we went was a total public place - a bar.. though it's located in an area where there's alot of kink friendly places I didn't get the feeling that the people there in the bar really understood or appreciated any form of kink. It was an eye-opener for alot of people who were in attendance I'm sure - I sorta felt like we were all kinky ambassadors exposing people to something new if they liked it or not. As with every experience I took alot from it and learned a thing or two. I'm not used to being in like a fetish-mode while out in such a public place, usually if I'm out like that it's in a kink-friendly environment like the Power Exchange, a play party with other lifestyle people in attendance OR a massive event like the Fetish and Fantasy Ball. At any rate I had alot of fun and was glad to serve in the capacity that I was able to - getting to meet/serve Lady Ice Queen was a great honor and as always I learned from the experience and have an eye on things I can do to improve on myself with.