Transmorphic

Tonight on MTV's TRUE LIFE they debuted the episode "I Hate My Face" which deals with the topic of BDD. I had been looking forward to seeing this episode after hearing about it a week ago. Years ago I was diagnosed as suffering from a dysmorphic disorder along with being manic depressive. For me I think it goes alot deeper than just BDD, being trans is a pretty complicated thing. Feeling like you've been born into the wrong body - the wrong life, it isn't an easy thing to cope with day in and day out. Online tonight I've followed a bunch of threads that people have posted about the True Life episode; so many of them are negative and put-downs directed at the two girls featured on the episode. "These girls have got to be kidding. There's nothing WRONG with them." Pretty much sums up what alot of people have said. What people don't seem to grasp with BDD is that it's a totally subjective and personal thing and it's all psychological. Maybe the subjects of the episode put people off - looking at both women in the show they both look fine to me, both I think are attractive, but that's not the point.. it's not what I see it's what they each see when they look in the mirror.

I have a good number of hang-ups about how I look; my height, weight, face and overall build. I'm a male - at least outside that's what I portray and inside is a different matter. Waking up each day and looking in the mirror and seeing myself "trapped" in a body that I don't feel I should be in. It's a feeling of total helplessness that I have in that I feel I'm going to be stuck this way forever - it's scary and it keeps me up at nights crying and worrying about it to no end. This year as I've said before I finally came out to my father, which for me was a HUGE step and one that I've been trying to use as a spring-board to get my life going in the direction I want it. My Domme tells me all the time that I sound as if I want some kind of "fairy godmother" to wave a magic wand and make me into a beautiful woman - as nice as that would be it's not going to happen, I don't even entertain that notion. She tells me I have to work on it and that's something I'm trying hard to do. I suck at using make up and that's something I really need to work on, I don't often move like a female does (not surprising since I'm stuck in a male body) and when home alone I try to work on my movements and mannerisms. My voice isn't that of a female's - trying to get myself to sound like a woman is probably the most difficult thing. Here at home I'll often record myself talking in my "girl-voice" over and over again and playing it back.. my voice is one of the things I hate most about myself. Going at all this on my own is a challenge and I wish I could have someone that could teach me these things, either an actual woman or another TGirl who's further along than myself. I don't pray for a fairy godmother but I do pray that I can find a fellow trans friend that I could spend time with and who could help me along a bit. Finding that has proved to be a difficult thing. A few years back I had a PreOp friend who also happened to be a Dominatrix - she helped me with alot of things like behaviour and with helping me to feel more positive about who and what I am. She even tried to turn me into her apprentice of sorts and had me try my hand at being Dom.. something I totally failed at, that was a good experience though cause it proved to me that I'm submissive to the core and I can check off that box exclusively from now on never having to even question it to myself. That friend eventually moved away like so many of them do here in the desert and I just really miss having someone like her, someone that I feel a real connection with on alot of levels.

Lately I've been feeling really angry and frustrated with my life. I look at my life and I see just a dark void of hopelessness. Being manic depressive and having already attempted to end my own life a couple of time I know that these feelings I have now are only going to lead to an even darker place. I don't want to give up but sometimes the feelings I have are just so overpowering that it feels like I could never change anything and any attempt at doing so would be a waste of time. Still.. I feel there is a slight chance that things can get better and it's that little sliver of hope that I keep trying to grab hold of. I'm giving it time and putting work in to better myself cause I don't want to look back and say I never tried.