Friday, October 17, 2014

bleed-thru (color-flast)

I've experienced what I can only describe as a "bleed effect" between the two 'selves within me locked in contention. It had been brought up in a session this idea of the variety of "masks" I wear. We're not talking costume masks, doll masks or anything of the sort - though that's a whole other flask of worms. Relating things in the past to others I summed it up best like this;

"In ways only explained through memories the best I can recollect is in growing up feeling I had to hide. Things I would do my grandmother would say I shouldn't for some reason. Wearing my socks pulled up high on my legs like the girls at school had with their uniforms. When I noticed other boys didn't feel the same as me I didn't know what to do other than conform to what I felt was expected of me as a boy."

That's the long and short of it. What lies in the middle are the means by which I conformed - emulation. Note I said 'emulation' and not assimilation.. wouldn't want to fly with the rest of the flock nowadays anyway. Fitting in however was a process of emulating the tricks and behaviours I'd see the boys around me express. Its pretty common I'd say- people just sort of naturally want to fit in, you can march to the verse of your own song but at some point you might realize you have no solo career and want a backing band to elevate the game and take it to the next level.

Taking it back to the title; the whole "bleed effect" I've had take effect only maybe a month ago and it seems to have escalated rather quickly only after a couple of weeks. I've found slowly that my feminine personality is sticking around long after I shed that 'skin' and its been expressing itself in my actions while in boy-mode. Walking, talking, smirking right down to my mannerisms all bleeding thru into my everyday life which feels pretty damn good- not going to lie. Its also instilled a new confidence in me and I can feel it inflating from within; with any luck I'll have that tenacity oozing out of every fiber and pore of my being.

Really an odd thing considering I've erected some serious defenses to suppress such things and not let them bubble to the surface. Now I find myself moving speaking and otherwise acting more and more feminine while in my male life. When I walk lately I've been doing it with more of a swaying grace while before I would trudge along and had sort of a "waddle" when presenting myself as a male. While I can't really emulate a true female voice it tends to be higher pitch anymore. I tend to scowl less and smile more. I feel this has been the result of spending more of my time outside the home and other comfort zones and presenting the true self I'd like to express. Just running with it has been pretty liberating - I don't feel miserable like I used to when I'd stifle all these feelings and mannerisms.

Here as I am now; slowly coming to terms with reality and discovering new facets of myself that have always been there but hadn't been excavated from my psyche until now. Having been a part of me unknown I'd see glimmers of them in feelings and reactions I'd express or repress. I'd like to share something that was written as blog post years ago by someone who knew of my double-life. Its a thinly veiled critique of me and how I was dealing with my desire to transition. This was written by an acquaintance of mine who discovered my dressing and attempts at makeup application. Dated sometime around 2005 when I had felt my desire to come-out was at it's peak but as usual I resisted it -denying my true self.

"thousand beats per minute...

 I have a problem finding people who are comfortable with themselves. I truly believe the reason why they can't hang with me anymore is because I call them on all their bullshit and because they truly and deeply have no fucking clue who they are.

Maybe I should hand out signs. "Dear ____ , I'm very sorry to say but you are one dumb, oblivious motherfucker that needs a serious reality check. You really think you're ____ ? Man, you're a damn hypocrite. Love _____."

Seriously."
Again, this was directed at me but in a very subtle way in a blog post back in the days of Diaryland -which apparently still exists. Remembering back then and the pact I'd made with a group of four online friends who also sought HRT and transitioning. The five of us were "all in" and yet I folded somehow, disqualified by my own doing. My inaction and denial back then resulted in me watching all 4 of my 'friends' come out to their family, friends, coworkers and commanding officers. I witnessed the beginnings of their physical transformation; the development of cleavage (albeit subtle) the softening of the skin, hair being grown out and styled. Attitudes changed as I slowly found myself the odd girl out having never developed the testicular fortitude necessary to dictate my own destiny. One by one I lost contact with these girls I had associated with for so long. They all embraced their new lives, two of them from what I came to understand actually had SRS (overseas?) and once that happened it seemed they preferred to leave their past behind them. One girl in particular had always been interested in transgendered rights and activism but after having her surgery and legally becoming a woman documentation-wise, she dropped all support and interest in trans issues. She distanced herself from me as well as others who'd come to look at her as a shinning example of what someone could become- if their family had taken out a 3rd mortgage on the home and who's mother liquidated her 401K.