Long Month

Out with the old: Here we are at the end of the month and I have no idea where all the time has gone. Seems like the older I get the faster time passes by. I can remember being little and when summer break would hit those couple of months would feel like a lifetime. I guess of course once you fall into a routine time passes by quickly cause it's like the same old thing day in and day out. This month has flown by but it's been rather difficult for me. I've been dealing with alot of depression in the last few weeks and other problems outside of my control have been creeping in and hindering me. There's no real need to delve into it all... it's basically all the same problems I seem to talk about and can't seem to overcome. I just wish I could feel happy with who I am and feel like I'm making some kind of positive change for the better.

Right now, to keep my mind off things I've been going through all my possessions and basically cleaning out all my closets. Getting rid of alot of things that have just been sitting around and that I never use, read, play with or look at. I have a lot of junk just sitting around that I don't need and a purging feels like something that could really help right now with my mental state. Over the years I've purged my female wardrobe and that's one thing I'm not purging right now. I remember the biggest and most serious purge of my female side happening when I was 20yrs old. I had a MASSIVE female wardrobe at the time and it was then that I was moving into a new house. With no place to hide or stow it all away in I was forced to throw alot of it away. I still haven't recovered mentally and emotionally from that experience. It felt like I was killing a part of myself and casting it off like a snake does with it's old skin. I've done many purges like that over the years but now I'm resolved to never do anything like that ever again. The stuff I'm getting rid of right now (or at least organizing it all) are things like old books, collectibles, movies, boy-clothes, broken electronics and nick-knacks. It's all junk I've apparently just horded over the years and it's depressing seeing it just sitting around collecting dust. I figure by cleaning out a bunch of stuff like this it'll feel good mentally and who knows I might be able to sell a bit of it off and make some cash.

Reflective reception: So in the last couple weeks I'm been in a real funk. I haven't felt well health-wise and mentally I've felt like the last bit of fuel I've had in my brain tank has been depleted. As is often the case when I'm feeling both mentally and physically stretched that my mind starts wandering back into darker spaces and those all to familiar black clouds of depression start swirling around above my head. I've been dealing with my BDD in some rather strange ways as of late. I've found myself taking photos of my face and splitting it down the middle finding the flaws in both sides of my visage. Everybody's facial feature line up differently on both sides of the face and thus if you take a photo of your self straight on and cut it in half down the middle and separate the two it's almost like looking at two different people. I don't know why I got into this habit, as if obsessing about my face normally isn't bad enough now I'm doing it to both sides of my face as opposed to the entire thing. Another thing that's come to my attention is that two more of my trans friends online who I converse with in chat and message boards are now on hormones. One of them has been on hormones for 6 months and basically been hiding that fact from alot of people. She recently posted some new pics of herself online and of course looks amazing but for some reason it really felt like I had been stabbed in the back. I don't know why I feel that way. I guess maybe it's cause for a long time she didn't say anything about hormones and I might have thought to myself "Hey, she's not on hormones and is looking great. Maybe I can attain the same results if I work at it." but now I realize that's not the case. Another reason I might feel bad is because it seems that everyone else out there appears to be able to grab life by the horns and ride it for all it's worth; and here I am stuck feeling sorry for myself and hating my existence. Getting older and uglier. Having to deal with a bunch of closed minded people in my vanilla life. Worries over employment issues if I ever do begin the transition phase. I really don't know what's wrong with me, why I can't seem to give myself that final kick and send myself on the journey I've put off for far to long. Two more trans friends have started the journey apparently and I wish them all the best. I guess maybe when I'm 40 and the majority of the people I know in my life have either died or moved on elsewhere then maybe I'll have the courage to be the real me. Of course by then I think I'll see myself in the mirror and figure "what's the point now?"