One of the more aggravating and at times depressing aspects of my life is the fact that I live two totally different lives. There's the side of me which I've dubbed "girl-mode" in which I get to be what I feel I am deep down inside; THE REAL ME. On the other side of the coin you've got "boy-mode", the mask I wear pretty much everyday, the personality and "character" I've crafted in order to function in society. I've been asked before if I think I have multiple personality disorder... the answer is a definite "NO", if that were the case I wouldn't have control over when one personality or the other came to the surface. No, these two distinct sides of me are the result of years and years of denial, fear, self loathing, prejudice and confusion. Over the years I've had to contrive for myself a personality to function in the really real world; that of course is the side of myself which I find myself stuck in day-in day-out.. my boy-mode. Sure the average person reading this would say, "that's not a contrivance, that's exactly what you are!"
Fair enough; you'd be right in that observation as I was born in a boy's body and for all fleshy purposes inside and out I'm stuck in this wretched form. Of course things get a bit more sticky when the whole transgender thing comes into play. I think this more than anything is why people have such a hard time accepting and understanding trans individuals. Physically I may look sound and smell like a male; but inside.. mentally and emotionally I feel I was born in the wrong body. People have a hard time understanding it I think because they A.) FEAR things that deviate from the "norm", B.) people (on the whole) HATE those that don't conform to the "norm", and C.) unless it's something they can see, hear, feel, smell, or taste - they dismiss it. It's the same problem with depression, there's people who don't believe in chemical imbalances in the brain or body. Sure if you have a broken bone you can tell right away - it hurts and usually just by looking at a limb that's broken you can tell there's something wrong. Well things in the realm of the mental aren't visible unless of course your a raving ranting lunatic, oh sure THEN it's easy to say, "there's something VERY wrong with that individual."
Living a double life is one of the things I loath most about myself. I hate that for all these years I've had to run some great subterfuge on my family friends and coworkers. I hate that when I wake up in the morning I always feel like I'm still living out a horrid nightmare. I regret that in my day to day affairs I'll often feel one way but because I'm living a lie - an obfuscation - I'm forced to behave and act out in an entirely different manner. I really have a huge aversion to showing people BOTH sides of me because once they see both sides they tend to judge me on whatever side they seem to relate to at that place in time. For a longtime I kept a number of my friends who knew me only in girl-mode at a distance and I would only interact with them when in that mode... seeing me in boy-mode for some of them has led to no end of confusion. Many of them simply cast down on me the label of "crossdresser" because they don't understand that the dressing is only an expression of what lies under the surface. People that have seen me in my girl-mode who have happened upon me in my boy-mode always make me nervous. I'm always afraid that they will judge me and make me feel like what I'm doing is horribly wrong. A few years back I had a friend from out of town who had only known me in my girl-mode actually show up at my work and "observe" me in what they called my "natural habitat" - this was VERY unnerving to me and it felt like I was walking on egg shells for the whole 10 minutes that they were watching me from afar. I didn't know what to do and I didn't know what to say - I had to maintain the ruse I'm forced to put up everyday at work and in my daily life. I felt a panic attack coming on and at the end of the day when I finally got to my car in the parking garage I broke down and cried. In the end I really unloaded on this person for going out of their way in tracking me down and making me feel so exposed and fearful. They've never spoken to me since. It's situations like that which make me feel helpless and confused about my life and really brings out the frustrations I feel with being trans.
I'm very grateful that I have such an loving caring and understanding Domme; not only does she indulge me in my various kinks and desires, but she also truly understands me and is one of my best(est) friends ever. She doesn't see me as a freak even though she knows both sides of me. She helps me feel better about who / what I am. She encouraged me to come out to my biological father about being trans which was one of the greatest steps I've ever taken in my life - I'm eternally grateful for that fact. With her I feel I can be myself no matter what "shell" I'm wearing.
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