eek out

..as more coffee brews in the background and public radio blares off in the distance I'm slowly waking up- getting the day started -already feels like the day is half over. So goes the continual downward slide of depression and angst filled loathing for all things corporeal. Sometimes in between these down-swings I'll have moments of lucidity in which I can see myself in 3rd person, I look bitter battered and lambasted, a sign of the times I guess as I progress in age.

I shouldn't dwell on such negativity; in an effort to stem the tide of dark thoughts maybe I should focus on some of the positive stuff going on as of late.

I've recently started to undergo laser hair removal treatments. Something I've always wanted but could never afford, now I have a friend who has loaned out a Tria hair removal system for me to use. Yeah, sure I know what people will say about it not being as good as going in for professional treatments but this is the best I can do while destitute. I've never experienced anything like it before, it does hurt, especially when its turned up on higher settings, though I have to figure the pain is worth it. I'm mainly using it on my face (upper/lower lips, chin, and neck) as really those are the areas which bother me the most. I hate shaving and really can't endure it daily like I should be able to do. Even with sensitive creams + moisturizer and the great care I take in going over every inch slowly and methodically I still end up turning my skin into hamburger. So far I've had 2 treatments on my lip areas and 3 treatments on my neck/chin. They say it'll take up to 3 months before seeing any real results but I've already noticed the hair growing back softer and not nearly as deep rooted. This is a welcomed change and gives me sense of encouragement.

There for a while I was on a pretty good roll with my art and creative endeavors. One problem I seem to face quite often is how my depressive moments cripple up my whole body, I get to such a point where I can't muster the energy to accomplish anything worth while. In those moments I just sort of go blank and don't really experience anything- I just feel totally worthless and broken. Its in those times I know a lot of creative types push past their depression thru their art. I used to be able to focus like that but seem to have lost that edge many moons ago.

Its all a cycle, I know that and try to push through it all. Just gritting my teeth and taking my medicine. Praying I find a way out before I die at 40 yrs old.